It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
