I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
