checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
