my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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