the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
