he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I just sharted jello shots
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