We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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