Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
