you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
