If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
