Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
