Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
