You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Of course I have a pirate flag
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
