just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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