Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
