my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
