$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize