Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
