Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
