K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
