Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
