I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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