I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
