just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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