so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
