They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
