Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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