I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
