miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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