I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
