since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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