I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
