its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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