just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
