I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
