....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize