direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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