Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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