thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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