this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize