please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
as a side note pls kill me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
