i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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