Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
