I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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