so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
