i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
