Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
