that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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