Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
