That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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