I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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