Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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