i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
