I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
