dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize