just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
