I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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